Listening Deeply to Yourself
Creating a new relationship with yourself—especially if you've experienced Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)—is a gradual, deeply personal process. It involves rebuilding inner trust, developing self-awareness, and nurturing a sense of care and compassion that may have been missing early in life. Over time, these steps can help undo the effects of internalized neglect and foster a relationship with yourself that is nurturing, validating, and full of love—something you’ve always deserved.
Start by connecting with your inner world.
This is a mindfulness-based approach: gently turning toward, listening to, and becoming curious about your internal experience. It takes time and practice, but it opens the door to self-connection and the wisdom that already lives within you. There are many ways to do this, but the heart of it is learning to listen to your deeper knowing—distinct from the automatic thoughts running through your mind.
One effective way to do this is through Focusing, a gentle and insightful process developed by Eugene Gendlin and further refined by Ann Weiser Cornell.
Here are some key elements to keep in mind:
You’re always in charge of the process. You can pause or stop anytime.
Begin each session by “clearing a space.” This means gently setting aside any surface thoughts, feelings, or distractions so you can make contact with what’s beneath (see the “Deepening Contact” section below).
Engage from your larger Self. In Inner Relationship Focusing, this is called “Self-in-Presence”—a compassionate, non-judging awareness. In Internal Family Systems language, it’s Self energy “unblending” from parts. You might use language like, “I’m sensing something in me feels…” or “I’m saying Hello to that part,” instead of “I am anxious” or “I’m upset.”
Reflect on what comes up. Ask yourself, “What did I learn from this?” Journaling can be a helpful way to process and track your experience over time.
Deepening Contact (from Ann Weiser Cornell)
Coming in…
Take time to bring awareness to your body, grounding yourself in the present moment. Your core Self-in-Presence is the spacious awareness where everything is welcome just as it is. Bring an attitude of “interested curiosity.” You might ask, “What wants my awareness now?” and see what arises—or begin with a specific question or concern.
Making contact…
Notice and explore what’s emerging in your inner world—felt senses, images, or emotions. Acknowledge these gently. For example: “I’m sensing something in me feels tight in my chest, and I’m saying Hello to that.” Describe what you notice with curiosity, not judgment.
Deepening contact…
Let yourself stay with the felt sense or part that has arisen. What kind of contact does it want? What is its perspective or emotional tone? Are there any images or symbols that come with it? Let it know you’re listening. You might ask, “What is it wanting for me?” or “What is it trying to protect me from?” As you befriend these parts, they often share valuable insight.
Coming out…
Sense when it’s time to stop. You might ask, “Is there anything else that wants to come before we finish?” Let your parts know you’ll return. Thank your body and its process. Then gently bring your awareness back outward—sensing the room, your surroundings, and any feeling of greater clarity or aliveness. Notice what you want to remember from the experience.
Reconnecting with yourself after childhood emotional neglect is not a one-time event—it’s an ongoing relationship built on patience, presence, and compassion. Each time you turn inward with curiosity and care, you’re rewriting old patterns and giving yourself the emotional attunement you may not have received. It’s never too late to build a relationship with yourself that is kind, wise, and whole.