Insight for Growth

“Maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots.” – Rumi

​​Welcome to my first blog post. Insight for Growth is a blog about my perspectives and opinions regarding the psychological, emotional, and relational consequences and healing of childhood emotional neglect and complex relational trauma. I’ve been inspired by many sources and authors I’ve read over the years, such as Dr. Jonice Webb, Dr. Lindsay Gilbert, Jasmine Cori, Alice Miller, Pete Walker, and many others. The ideas I’m writing about are not necessarily original to me. When possible, I’ll validate it with research and by citing sources. However, I may be unable to credit exactly where I’ve heard an idea. The thoughts presented here are based on my point of view and what I’ve learned over time.

I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in California. After working for over 20 years in Silicon Valley high-tech Human Resources, I got to the root of my own challenges with CEN and made the shift to pursuing my life’s work to provide psychotherapy to adults who struggle with the effects of complex relational trauma and emotional neglect in childhood.

The cumulative effects of emotional neglect in childhood (CEN) are invisible, insidious, and damaging. It's about what didn't happen for you in childhood when your parents (despite how loving they might have been) failed to recognize, acknowledge and validate your emotional needs and expressions well enough and often enough. CEN derails you from the life you’re meant to live and the person you're meant to be. 

As human beings, we’re wired for connection and belonging to ensure our survival, and when that goes well, we gain the solid sense of self that blossoms into the person we're destined to become. Being acknowledged and validated supports our optimal growth and development. We know who we are and what our strengths and talents are. However, when our essential self (our needs and feelings) is disregarded and minimized by the people we depend on to provide us with the support and guidance we need, we come to believe that our needs and feelings don’t matter, that we don’t matter, that we aren’t valuable or worthy.

We may exercise resilience and resourcefulness over the course of our life to achieve our goals, but often these amount to just external accomplishments. We may be left to ask, how can I be so successful in my life when I feel so empty and alone? Does my childhood really make that much of a difference when it comes to my adult experience?

By now, it's commonly accepted that our childhoods shape who we become as adults, for better and for worse. The full expression of our strengths and talents is impacted by the degree to which we are nurtured and encouraged. Realizing our full potential, as cliche as it sounds, is our birthright. If you’ve suffered from emotional neglect in childhood, there will be work to clear out the obstacles that keep you from getting there. I'm here to say that it can be done.

This was my own journey for much of my life. Without knowing why, I felt empty and without a sense of meaning or purpose. In an attempt to fill that void, I went down many different paths in search of discovering who I am. I thought, if only I knew WHAT I was meant to do, it would tell me WHO I am. To paraphrase the song, I was looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places.

With much soul searching, I left the corporate world after 20+ years without much of a plan. To make a long story short, I first became a personal development coach, then went on to graduate school in counseling psychology, and now I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. They say that wounded healers are effective because they have walked the same path as those they help, and my own process of healing and growth certainly informs and inspires my work with others.

Insight for Growth is meant to provide information and education, leading to self-transformation. It’s about deepening awareness, gaining insight and connection into one's thoughts and feelings, and growing in emotional and relational skillfulness. It's for those who have experienced emotional neglect in childhood, want to get to the roots of their suffering and find healing. It's for therapists who work with people overcoming CEN. Whether you're a therapist or an explorer, those who come along on this path can discover new insights that lead to greater freedom in ways of thinking, feeling, and acting. In other words, Hope for Healing and Growth.

I invite you to reach out and let me know whether and how these posts impact you. I value your unique experiences and perspectives and invite your respectful dialogue by leaving a comment below. My hope is to create a welcoming space where we can learn from each other and foster meaningful conversations about the CEN healing journey.

This blog is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional mental health care. If you’re struggling with mental health difficulties, it’s important to seek professional help in your area or online.